detrimental.

I really need to stop drinking.
it's getting out of hand.
it's ridiculous.
























I pee like eight times a day.
baha. you thought.

but that's just me.

superpoop.com

kiddies.

my tom sawyer kids crack me up.
they ask so many questions.
and today they taught me the difference between a trumpet and a coronet.
Kerry was telling them how they shouldn't have stage fright with no audience.
Then he told Gavin to sing.
Gavin asked what to sing and Kerry told him any song he knew the words to.
"Mamma Miaaaaaaa! Here I go agai-aiiiin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Highlight of my day.

"Could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now?

"So you're in Highschool?"
"Yep, I'm a junior."
"Oh.. is that the first year?"
"Oh,not at all I'm almost done with highschool."
"I don't want to go highschool."
"Well why not? I think it's much more fun than sixth grade."
"I'm scared Miss Hannah."
"Why is that?"
"I've seen movies, I don't like how mean everyone is."
"But Gavin, high school is not all like the movies."
"But I saw Mean Girls. Are there mean girls in high school?"
"Well, there are a lot of different types of people in high school. But as long as you have a few good friends, and just try to get along with everyone, you'll be fine."
"I don't know Miss Hannah."



This was probably the most meaningful conversation of my week. It just killed me to hear a tiny 11 year old say this, coupled with the most distraught look on his face. I didn't want to lie to him. I knew I had to tell him the truth, but it was so hard. Letting people down is something I try really hard to avoid, but this wasn't even my own doing. It's just the way everything is. High school is high school by no fault of my own. I think that's the worst part of it all.

obamachange.

I am tired of hearing the phrase "nice guys finish last."
Give it up.
Most guys who say it aren't even the true nice guys.
and honestly?
it works both ways.
"nice girls" finish last as well.
I am not perfect.
It would be delusional to ever even begin to think otherwise.
But I'm a nice enough girl.
but apparently, because I don't put out, I'm not exactly the type of girl most guys around my age like to date.
I get taken advantage of.
and used.
Sounds a whole lot like what these "nice guys" claim to be happening.
Right?

Another thing,
I am tired of being called beautiful by guys who say it because they either;
a. Don't want to use hot or sexy for fear of being thought of us a guy who only likes you for your body. (even though it's the truth)
b. Can't think of a better word.
or..
c. Say it because they think it's what you want to hear.
Beauty is so much more than simple outward appearances.
I just wish some people understood.



All I want is a nice guy.

Miss Hannah.

28 children between the ages of 7 and 12.
Three times a week.
I get to teach them all I know about acting, and how to along with each each other, and how to listen.
Such simple minds.
They warm up to people so easily.
No lack of trust, they think, and they do.
No questions asked.
Small personalities to match their small bodies.
I get to be crazy, and act weird and the coolest thing is;
They think I'm the cat's pajamas.
They compliment me and listen to me and ask me to help them.
Normally, I'd be self-concious, but these kids seriously think everything I do is funny.
It's inspiring.
To be less self-concious.
To be more trusting.
To be a good role model.
To be respectful.
Because now I realize these kids are watching.
and I have a feeling I am going to learn just as much from them, if not more, then they will learn from me.
and besides, they call me Miss Hannah, how adorable is that?

i think this makes me laugh a little too much.

toothpastefordinner.com

"Ugh, I hate when people do stuff."
"I know! It's like..... stop that, you know?"

can't we just all sit down in the middle of the road and hope for the best?

This weeks agenda.
Tomorrow: Go running.
Finish Chem HW before 5th period.
Lunch with Luke, Brent, and Chels.
Turn in application to the HYE LIFE.
TB test?
Direct small children.
Homework.
Practice geetar.
Movie with the boys?
Work on website stuff.

Thursday: Go running.
Finish designing my website.
Kunch with Krista and Blake.
Pre-calc test. killmenow.
Turn in more applications.
Direct small children.
Small groups at Shelly's house.
Chem Homework.


Friday:
thoroughly enjoy the lipsyncing competition
meet with the band?
bonfire?

for the angsty teen girl in all of us.

brief brave brevity.

What I do know.

As I am on my eternal quest for knowledge, one fact is continually being reiterated.
I sure do not know much.
Yet, as unsettling as this is, one thing is comforting.
Nobody knows everything.
(excluding God of course.)
and although I am striving to be a better christian and for lack of better words, be more "christlike," I know I will always be eons away from perfection and from knowing everything.
Normally, this fact would be disheartening, but not in this case.

"I don't make plans. Because with plans, the perfect outcome is only the best you ever imagined. and I always sorta wanted more than that."

I volunteered to help direct a 4th, 5th, and 6th grade production of Tom Sawyer.
Should be rather interesting.
Better than doing nothing after school.
Hopefully it will get my mind off of some things.
Like how I wish I was better at guitar.
and how I wish Rachel was still at home.
and how I want to see her already.
and how I'm pretty sure the guy of my dreams, although not dreamy, does not exist.
But on that subject...
More things I thought of today.
I want a boy to bake for.
and who texts me random thoughts. No matter how weird.
a boy who will play board games with me.
a boy who actually keeps his word after he messes up and says "I'll make it up to you."
a boy who is perfectly content with holding my hand, instead of trying to get in my pants.
and a boy to pray with.
and to talk about my faith with, better yet, help me grow in my faith without making me feel like a failure.
and a boy who tells me I'm smart, or funny, or creative, or loving just as often as he compliments me on my looks.
Chyeah I know. But a girl can dream.

cont..

He will NOT take me to the movies on the first date.
He'll open the door for me, but won't get mad if I open it for him sometimes too.
He won't say anything about me not eating meat.
He'll make eye contact, instead of staring at my chest.
He'll have good manners.
and be polite to other people i.e. waiters, or anyone of service.
We'll talk about important issues, or share witty anecdotes.

I want..

a boy who comes to my door to get me.
and when I open it, he'll tell me I look _____(insert appropriate respectful adj.)
Then he'll open the car door.
He'll smile and I'll get in.
There will be good music, but not loud enough to eliminate conversation.

Oh, darling let me go.

The things I have realized about my neighborhood part 1.
1.For not being a super-upscale neighborhood, they're sure are a lot of fancy foreign cars. i.e. porsches, mercedes...
2. Each street smells slightly different.
3. EVERYBODY makes eye contact, whether they wave or not.
4. There is a wandering cat for every three houses.
5. The house in which the last two owners committed suicide, is still up for sale. Funny.

Well, I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
And I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.
She had eyes bright enough to burn me.
They reminded me of yours.
And in a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field
and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed.
And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands.
And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry's end where I wrote,
You make me happy oh!!
when skies are gray
You make me happy oh!!
when skies are gray and gray and gray.

-BrightEyes.

Hank.

Is one of those people, who no matter what he says, always seems to make sense to me. We talked for around two hours tonight about life and self discovery and self value. For the first time in a while, I felt like someone understood my perspective on just about everything. I don't see Hank very often, but it's nice to have a friend you can truly be yourself around without the fear of them thinking any different of you. Someone who is chivalrous and kind, without trying to pick up on you. Someone who will look you in the eyes and tell you exactly what's on their mind, not meaningless conversation.

iffen.

you'd like to see how my brain works;
eat some banana flavored ice cream and listen to these songs.

1. It just happened that way - Andy Davis
2. Quicksand - Andy Davis
3. West Coast - Coconut Records
4. I will follow you into the dark - Death Cab For Cutie
5. Say Yes - Elliot Smith
6. Daniel's Song -The Finches
7. Mad World - Gary Jules
8. The fear you won't fall - Joshua Radin
9. Everything'll be alright - Joshua Radin
10. Seaside - The Kooks
11. Astair- Matt Costa
12. The World at Large - Modest Mouse
13. Fly With You - Pete Murray
14. Marco's In the Army - That Strange Red Afternoon
15. It's Not True - William Fitzsimmons

paradoxical.

This whole situation has been, for lack of a better word, festering in my mind for almost two days now.
Last night definitely got my mind off things for a few hours, but when I got home I just started thinking and couldn't stop.
Even today my mind was just somewhere else.
I'm at the point where I'm not sure whether it's better to feel something, be it good or bad, than to feel nothing at all.






i still like him.

Dear God,

I've had a pretty "Job" week.
and I've been praying more, and gossiping less.
I know you're probably up there shaking your head, thinking, she just doesn't get it.
I don't get it.
Just when things were starting to get better.
WHABAM!
It has to be for the best,
and if it's not, I'm going to make it be for the best.



Inwardly, I wish I had the ability to never get attached to anything.
because things are often not what they seem to be
and when things are what they seem to be,
look harder.

music.

"So I stand up
Feel the needles in my feet
And my legs are still asleep

But it's the morning
Fold the blankets
Shake the grass out of the sheets
Throw it all in my back seat
And drive you home

Yeah knowing me and knowing you
The stars could not have had a clue
We never meant to start this thing between us
It just happened that way
You know sometimes it does
Sometimes the planets align
And you both lose time
Can't change your mind

It just happened that way
No time to invest
You just pray for the best
And you say
It just happened that way
Just happened that way"

=/

I crashed today.

But it was my own fault.

My ankle does not seem to care who is to blame.

I have a feeling I'll be sore tomorrow morning.

I'd ask the honest question.

If I knew for certain that I'd receive an honest answer.













Thus forth, I'll never ask.
Because in my head receiving a dishonest answer, is far worse than never knowing.

philosophizzle.

bad things happen.
good things happen.
it's inevitable.
but we learn from them.
and we move on.
and it's the best anyone can do.

miserable.

what a lovely way to start out the year.