Thursday, November 20, 2008


(my character in The Odd Couple.)
I'm beginning to hate her but there is one thing I like.

I've never really been in the spotlight much before this.
But it's nice.
I've not really been enjoying life lately but I sure have enjoyed these past couple of nights.
People I've never met coming up to me telling me how wonderful I am.
Getting flowers.
and compliments.
and applause.
I've been needing something like this.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

We were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground.

Some days I feel as though I am not really here.
Not only insignificant, but invisible.
Trapped in a world I don't want to be in.
I used to be driven.
Driven to get straight A's, and impress people.
To get ahead in life,
To be somebody.
But the person I have become hardly feels like a person at all.
Rather I have become a shell.
An exoskeleton if you will,
of my former self and everything I ever dreamt and aspired to be.
So many things in my life are ending, disappearing like the last of the green leaves.
and all I want is for it to be proven to me that when one door closes, another actually opens.

Hell, I'd settle for a window.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The sound of settling.

I spent the last three days with my three best friends.
Someone said something to one of them about they were jealous.
When she asked what he was jealous of, he replied your friends.
He went on to say he wanted what we had, he said that he could tell just by looking at the stupid pictures we take together, that we really are best friends.
Things happened this weekend, that really opened my eyes.
I never really realized how much we've all grown up over the years.
I really do love those girls.
This weekend we sang together, we cooked together, we talked to boys together and as happy as I was this weekend, I can't help but feel extremely sad.
Nicole said "Dude next year on this trip, we'll have applied to colleges and be really close to
As much as I want to move on with my life, leave this cult/town that no one's ever heard of, I don't even want to think about having to find new best friends.
It's not hard for me to put myself out there, to make new friends.
But it's totally different than having to find new people who you are okay with knowing your life story, and loving you despite all of it.
It also makes me sad for people who don't have what we have.
Not to say we have the perfect friendship, we bicker like 7 year-olds constantly.
But we love each other with something much greater, so far beyond our years.
And I know some people never have that.
I hate knowing that.
I am constantly meeting new people, and i always wonder if they have a best friend, someone who knows their darkest secrets.
I just wish everyone could have one.
It's stupid and naive and ridiculously cliche, i know this too well.
It just really pains me to see people sitting alone at lunch, or sitting quietly in class and never talking to anyone.
I wish I could have the courage to say something to every one of them, to befriend them.
But sometimes, to be quite honest, I'm scared.

Monday, November 3, 2008

A circumstantial season.

is drinking too much hot chocolate.
listening to the rain for too long.
hoping for the best, altogether too much in vain.