Wednesday, December 31, 2008

At last to resolve this resolution.

Today is the last day of the year.
After tonight, no one will EVER live another day in 2008.
Sort of weird to think about.
In the small frame, or the teenage mindset, this is a big deal.
Only a year and a half left of highschool.
One more new years after this and I'll be 18.
Yet, in the bigger picture, the kind of mindset I wish I saw things through more often, this is only one day.
Not one bit different than any other of the thousands of days I'll hopefully get to live.
"Live it up, make the best of each day! Live life to the fullest! Life's short, party hard!
Honestly? Who do you think you people are?
I am not a lazy person. I am well read, and generally proactive and productive.
I will live my life as I so choose.

It would satisfy people to hear that my new years resolution is to make a difference or change the world.
And although that may have satisfied my simple 7 year old mind, my mindset has been altered.
I don't want to change the world.
And the only difference I want to make is the way people see things. I want to change views.
I want to change opinions.
Changing the world, in my opinion, is a delusion of the grandeur.
People change social behaviors, eras, geography, etc.
But to truly say someone "changed" the world, a mere impossibility.
They may have impacted it, or altered it for the time being.
But change is a strong word.
If you don't know me, you may think I'm a cynic, and if you do, you know I am.

But Hannah, you've got to have a new years resolution!

Yes, yes. To satisfy that small piece of traditional human being that lives somewhere inside me, I do have a new years resolution. Alas, here is my plan.

I am going to write more.

But Hannah, you write here almost everyday! We're tired of your crap!

Now let's not get catty here, eh? To clarify, I am going to write more in a journal. Good ol' pen and paper. I am going to fill said journal and when I do, I will start another, and so on. Then, when I have stored up several journals, I am going to take a trip. Preferably on the Amtrak, I've grown fond of the Amtrak. And I am going to ride it, and when it comes to a stop, I am going to get off, lay the journal on a bench, and get back on the train. When it comes to the next stop, I will do the same, until I run out of journals. Out of order of course. Then I will ride home. If I'm lucky, several people will read several portions of my life. But no one will ever get the whole story. To keep anonymity, I am only using first names, and never revealing where I live. These few people will be given the option to think for themselves. Fill in the blanks. Be creative. They can decide what happens next, in their hands will lie my imaginary destiny. They will be left wondering what became of someone they never knew. This is not a selfish move, not to be remembered, because how much can you remember about someone you've never met? But rather a move to change minds. Project resolution.

Friday, December 26, 2008

anger is one letter short of danger.

and three letters short of stranger.

but that's irrelevant to this blog...

i got upset at one of my best friends.
But only for a few hours.
it was something to be legitimately bothered by but not raging mad.
But as I got to thinking about it, I realized that I wouldn't stay mad about it forever.
and I don't like feeling upset, because it starts to make me physically sick.
(I suppose that makes not being able to hold grudges a blessing in disguise.)
and as much as i wanted to be upset, because I felt it was my right,
I knew it wasn't good.
So I apologized. She apologized.
and it felt good.
because no matter what, I love her, no matter how much my best friends irk me sometimes, it's unconditional.
And deep down I knew that staying mad for a few more days wasn't worth the much harder reconciliation.
Because I wouldn't be staying mad at her, I would be staying mad to spite her.
Even though she wouldn't know.

So trivial and so not worth it.

#1 act of Self-betterment.

if you are reading this.

which you very well could be,
it is not flattering.
you used to have the world at your fingertips.
but it is slipping away from your filthy paws like your last shreds of dignity.
or did those fly out of the car window along with those last few puffs of smoke?

if I'm not mistaken, you're killing yourself.
The type of suicide that you'd like to justify because it's "fun."

On a much lighter note,
I had a nice time last night driving all around town looking for oreos at 9 o'clock last night with Eric.
It's nice to have fun neighbors again. =]
And today is Chelsea's birthday.
I made her sunflower cupcakes.
Maybe i'll post a picture of them later.
Now, i'm off to figure out what I shall wear for a fancy GNO and a trip to design pottery.
I love that I have friends who can go to California Pizza Kitchen and Color Me Mine and have the best, clean, fun ever.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Baby Step.

I went to the grocery store in pajamas, mussed up hair, and my glasses.
Generally, I would not even consider doing that.
But I am making baby steps.
Not to "stop caring."
I think that's silly when people say that.
But rather shift my focus and care about things that affect others as opposed to solely myself.
It will not matter how I looked when I went to the grocery store tomorrow.
But it does matter when my parents ask me to do something and I do it without taking an extended period of time to do my hair and make-up or gripe about how it's too early.
Merry Christmas to me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

"Just because you're a bird, doesn't mean you don't have to pick up your own trash."

Ryan Lewis.
I like to think we are very like minded.
We agree on most things.
He is enjoyable to hang out with.
and we can laugh about the problems of America and solve them by rolling down our windows and yelling.
if you don't know him.
Get to know him.
He is a good friend.

Monday, December 22, 2008

"as far as I'm concerned, there is only one truth."

I continue to learn things each day.
some that benefit me.
others that do not.
but still I am learning.
and I feel the things I don't want to know,
are probably what I should know.
and the things I do know,
will prove to be useless.
but I am learning,
and as much as I'm caught in this whirlwind,
I am not regressing.
it is time to move forward.
That is what I learned today.

also, that guitar callouses make good thimbles.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


like the walls of jericho, down they fall.
I should be trying to help them.
But I am through
with telling people what they need to hear.
because what they want to hear has become an overpowering force.
and i was never one to enter a contest
with the only outcome being loss on my part.
as pointless as trying to help them.
and as much as I know it is wrong.
I'm ok with everything.
especially in knowing.
I am not falling.

Friday, December 12, 2008

my older, blonder, wiser, better half.

about two weeks now and that better half will be three and a half hours away.
we're not the conventional type.
we don't get mani/pedis together.
we don't hug.
we don't talk about boys.
and we don't often go to the mall together.

Rather, we take our cat to the selma taco bell drive through at midnight to get burritos.
we text each other to say something even if we're twenty feet away.
we scare each other by jumping out in front of each other in the hallway.
we show affection by making toast for each other.
we used to flood our back garden and make mud pits when our parents weren't paying attention.

we're atypical.
we always have been.
we always will be.
and it's why it will be hard to see her move away.
but we won't show it by crying or promising to call each other once a day.
we're not that way.
we never were.
and I hope we never will be.

I will miss you sister.

welcome home.

I am a nice girl.
I make people laugh.
I am good at the things I do.
I am in shape.
I have a wonderful family.
I live in a nice house.
I have my own car.
I am not conceited.
I have friends.
I don't do bad things.
I have a future.
I am a Christian.

I would say I'm happy with the person I've become, but in reality this is the person I've always sort of been. It's taken me 16 years to realize that there is no reason for me not to like myself. Yet sometimes, usually when I'm left to my own devices, all I can do is pick myself apart.

I could be skinnier.
I could have straighter teeth.
I could be a better golfer.
I could have more friends.
I could smile more.
I could trust people more.
I could pray more.

I am blessed, I am not lucky. God made me the way I am, and I'm starting to accept that. Someone told me the other day:
You are worth it.
and when I asked worth what? Their reply was:
Worth caring about, worth investing time in, worth loving, your value isn't something that should be played around with.
That made me happy.
This is all quite new to me, but I suppose this is what they call "self worth."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

This is your life. And it's ending one minute at a time. -Fight Club.

I'm at a point in my life where things are changing.
The weather is changing.
Attitudes are changing.
People sure as hell are changing.

My sister is moving out in less than a month. Everyone's asking me if I'm gonna miss her and I will, but more than anything it's gonna be weird. I mean I've had an older sister forever. But I think I'm gonna be okay. I suppose it will be nice not to be compared to someone in EVERYTHING I do. Situations are changing. But maybe, this will give me a chance to break out. To be the person I've always wanted to be but couldn't because I was always living in a shadow. Who knows. Change can be for the better right.

I am changing too.
I have come to realize the people who pretend to love you, can only pretend for so long.
They are like remora fish, only causing problems. You may not notice them at first, but after awhile you realize that these remora friends only cause problems. They suck away time and happiness. They are greedy and unbeneficial.
Personal parasites.
Taking away everything that means anything to you and ruining your life right under your nose.
but you don't see through their "friendly" facade.
Thankfully I have caught on to these remora friends.
and I am plucking them off one by one. =]
and you know what? it's not as hard as it seems to alienate people who mean nothing to you and whose only aim is to use you to get ahead.
no guilt.
no remorse for the remoras.
it feels better than you can imagine.

Generally, people are more bitter in the winter.
I am quite the opposite.
I see people more clearly in the winter.
It's refreshing.